Letter to a Tailgater

This delightfully sarcastic letter was written by a former student of mine and one of my favorite writers, James Schroeder. He has given me permission to include it my Blogspot. Enjoy!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Dear Tailgater,

First of all, calm down. We all would like to get around this slow car in front, but this road is too curvy to allow passing, and crowding my bumper won't help.

No, really, we can't possibly go faster than the slow car in front of us. And besides, we're approaching a stop sign anyways.

Seriously, I assure you, the speed with which we approach the stop sign has very little bearing on how fast we get through the stop sign. We still get there in roughly the same order, and we must all wait our turn, you see?

No?

I see by the rate you are flailing your arms about and shouting that logic is not your strong suit. Look I'll prove it to you. First I'll slow down...

What? Well that certainly was a rude gesture...

Listen, the minimum legal speed limit for a road, unless otherwise noted, is 10 under the posted limit. I'm not breaking any laws by slowing us down further, you see?

I'll be honest, tailgater, the level of detail I see of your face in my mirror is disconcerting. You really shouldn't be this close to my rear bumper....

I KNOW! Let's play a game!

This game is a little one that I call "Who-values-their-vehicle-more?"

I'll warn you though, I'm not too fond of this hand-me-down-Honda...

Now then...

Slowing a bit...

easy...

IMAGINARY SQUIRREL!!!
BRAKES!!!

Ooooh, close one...

Still riding my bumper? Not a good way to win...

steady as she goes....

BRAKES!!!

Shouting again, are we? Well I admire your enthusiasm...

BRAKES!!! BRAKES!!!

How are you feeling n-

BRAKES!!!

No, no, no, I'm not retarded. I just wouldn't mind having your insurance buy me a new vehicle.

BRAKES!!!

Wow, you're getting GOOD at this game!

Oh look, you're in luck, we're about to get another lane!
And you signaled your lane change!

I'm so f***ing proud!

I know the hand motion you're making is not an amicable one, but you've still earned an exaggerated, sarcastic smile from me, my dear tailgater.

Ohhhhh, and now for all that acceleration you're stuck at the same red light as myself.

Don't you feel stupid now?

Sincerely,

The Nomad


PS: Tell your friends! When in traffic, if you ride my ass, I'm only going to go slower and slam on my brakes randomly.

Cheers!