Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Dexter controls, but does not feel

During these past three days I watched Season One of Dexter, episodes one through twelve. I'm haunted and intrigued by his lack of feeling, his emptiness and his need for control. When his psychiatrist questioned him, Dexter questioned him right back to get the psychiatrist to talk about himself. However the doctor immediately called him on it - accused him of changing the subject as a means of grasping control of the situation. During these past twelve episodes I have been thinking about control.

I'm both controlled and controlling. I'm up to the brim in control issues, flooded, deluged and could easily drown. My two little brothers and I jump out of the boat and into Higgins Lake. I playfully swim in deep clear water, looking at green and brown stones lining the bottom of the lake. I swim closer to shore, thinking I can stand and rest. The bottom becomes a garden of long billowy seagrass. It tickles my legs, but frightens me. I imagine arms reaching out to pull me down and deliver me to the lake villainess. I bounce up and down and then swim back into deeper water over my head and close my eyes so that the blades of grass don't cut me. I am a mermaid navigating through the grass when I am captured. Once again human, the seaweed encircles my ankles, wraps around my legs and grasps me tightly. At first I panic and pull. The tendril of the green weed tightens its hold and I weaken from fear. I will my entire body to go limp, relax and descend. I simply surrender. As I near the bottom, I feel the long grass brush against my face, my arms. I gently flutter my feet and scull with my hands and feel my ankles release from their footcuffs. Free, I float to the top, float towards the rays of the sun reaching into the water. My chest is bursting, but I dare not breathe, not yet. In an upward breaststroke, my head breaks the surface of the water and I gasp for air. I flail my arms and legs to get back to the safety of the stone bottom and then fall into a facedown float. The mermaid has become a jellyfish and I take enough time to once again find the calm and allow my heart to slow its frantic pulse.

I couldn't control the seaweed, but I controlled my reaction. It was not the first time I had to "give in" to a firm controlling grasp, nor was it the last. I am alive today because when squeezed, I release, surrender, let go and let God.

Also like Dexter I worry that I don't feel anything and am going through the motions. Other times I feel too much and too intensely. I'm frigidly cold or simmering hot, yet refuse to settle for ordinary warm.

Most important lesson of today: I should NEVER drink coffee at dinner parties. It's 3:42 am (eastern standard time). Time now to simply surrender to a serene sleep. G'nite.

(revised after coffee this a.m.) G'morning.

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